The last post was from January, and it ha been quiet. We needed a break.
Yup, it was just back from the holiday; then, but as it turned out she needed more than the holiday. As days went by, she claimed a need to emotionally anchor back to me. She has become unsure of how she should express her emotions and she felt at times, she needed to deny her feelings and quiet down her curiosity. She felt she has no one who would sit down with to ask.
In many ways, it ached inside me. How could one year of long-distance parenting with active communication cause a big gaping whole? But it did. She felt one year was stolen away from her.
Every child is different. She understood in her head but her heart had questions. And having adults who were not emotionally-wired was difficult for her. She was asked to hush and dismiss her sadness and disappointments cause she was just being “maarte” (acting out or exaggerating). She cites our phone conversations then and the many times she was told to stop crying, stop playing games with me or shorten the conversation all together as if it was wrong for her to miss me. Then, there are rules, discipline and values I was particular with which she has gotten used to not observing anymore. As she put it, they weren’t expected or they were things she could get away not observing. Still, there were thing she heard off and had observed.
One year had changed her. And that is NORMAL. I have changed too. Our relationship dynamics, altogether, had changes too. We needed a break to be together. We needed to get to know each other, again. We needed a break to hear each other better. We needed a break to strengthen our bond amidst all the different views around us now. We needed a break to stand as one.
And now, although, we are still a work-on-progress, we are ready to get off the break. We are back in our own roll; at times together, at times apart but always with a thread that won’t snap as mom and daughter.